On Lily Allen & Opening Up Your Partnership
If you’re like me, your social media feed and Spotify algorithm have been flooded with content about Lily Allen’s new album West End Girl. If you’re on a different corner of the internet, Lily Allen is a British pop star who defined much of my and my friends’ adolescence with songs like “Smile” and “22.” She was also married to David Harbour, better known as Jim Hopper from Stranger Things, from 2020 to 2025.
West End Girl takes listeners through a fictionalized look at what many people believe led to the couple’s divorce earlier this year. The album follows the emotional fallout of their decision to open their relationship and the miscommunication and hurt that followed.
Before You Open Up: The Essentials
- Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is a relationship structure based on transparency, communication, and explicit consent—not a loophole for infidelity.
- Opening a relationship typically increases the need for communication, not less, especially around attachment needs, safety, and emotional regulation.
- Four foundational questions can help partners explore whether CNM is a grounded, mutual choice.
- Healthy CNM requires shared motivations, clear agreements, thoughtful boundaries, and strategies for navigating jealousy with compassion.
- Whether you choose monogamy, CNM, or something in between, the real work is in the conversations you have and the honesty you bring to them.
What Is consensual non-monogamy (CNM)?
All relationships are social constructs. They exist because we collectively agree on what they are and how they function. Some people choose romantic and sexual exclusivity with one partner, which is commonly called monogamy. Others agree to varying levels of romantic or sexual openness with more than one partner.
Consensual non-monogamy, or CNM, is an umbrella term for relationships in which all partners give explicit consent to engage in romantic, intimate, or sexual connections with multiple people. CNM is not the same as infidelity. It relies on honesty, transparency, and mutual agreement. CNM can take many forms. Some partners may have sexual relationships with others but not romantic ones. Other people may be in relationships where all partners involved are romantically and sexually exclusive with each other. Many people associate CNM with terms such as polyamory, open relationships, and swinging.
Although CNM has existed across cultures and throughout history, acceptance of it has grown, especially among Millennials and Gen Z. I am glad people feel freer to explore what they truly want and to communicate openly with their partners. Still, it is understandable that many people find it challenging.
Is Opening a Relationship Right for Us? Understanding the Real Challenges
A common misconception is that opening a relationship will reduce pressure. The idea is often that if a partner’s needs are met elsewhere, the primary relationship will feel easier or less strained. In reality, CNM typically requires more communication, not less. Any discussion about relationships is also a discussion about attachment. When attachment enters the room, our nervous systems, our unmet childhood needs, and our most vulnerable selves come with it. This is not the logical part of the brain. It is the emotional part. For that reason, it becomes even more important that partners feel safe, seen, and secure.
No single conversation can cover every feeling, scenario, or need, but a few foundational questions can help couples explore whether opening their relationship is something they can approach with intention and care.
Questions to ask before Opening Your Relationship
What Are Our Motivations for Opening the Relationship?
Motivations shape the entire experience. People may explore CNM to gain a greater sense of autonomy, to satisfy curiosity about sexual or emotional exploration, or to address mismatched relational needs. These can be thoughtful and grounded reasons. One reason that rarely supports long-term stability is opening up solely because one partner wants to. When one person feels pressured or obligated, even subtly, it can lead to resentment or insecurity. Clarifying motivations helps ensure the decision is mutual rather than reactive.
If questions around values, needs, or expectations are coming up, it may be helpful to explore them in couples counseling with someone trained in CNM and relationship dynamics.
What Agreements and Check-Ins Will Help Us Stay Connected?
CNM only works when expectations are explicit and shared. Partners benefit from clarifying which choices require a check-in, whether that means before scheduling dates, using apps, or forming new connections. Some couples only need check-ins at certain points, such as before developing ongoing involvement. Agreements about timing, frequency, communication, and boundaries with specific people can also help. The goal is not control. The goal is predictability, which helps both partners feel secure.
What Information Do We Want to Share (or Not Share)?
People vary in how much detail they find helpful. Some feel safer with transparency, while others feel more grounded with less information. Partners can clarify whether they want to know about upcoming plans, whether they prefer to hear about experiences afterward, or whether certain details, such as sexual and emotional information, feel supportive or overwhelming. There is no universal rule for the right amount of information. The aim is to find a level that prevents secrecy without causing distress.
How Will We Navigate Jealousy, Insecurity, or Threat?
Jealousy is not evidence that CNM is failing. It is evidence that we are human. What matters most is how a couple responds to these feelings. Discussing what each partner needs when insecurity arises, how reassurance can be offered, and which strategies support emotional regulation is essential.
Jealousy, insecurity, and attachment patterns can feel overwhelming. Many people find it grounding to work through these feelings in individual therapy, where you can explore what’s underneath them at your own pace.
How to Navigate CNM with Care, Communication, and Intention
Navigating consensual non-monogamy is not about assuming that openness will naturally create ease or freedom. Instead, it’s about knowing yourself well enough to identify your limits, knowing your partner well enough to communicate honestly, and knowing your relationship well enough to understand what it needs to feel steady.
Whether you ultimately choose monogamy, CNM, or something in between, the real work lies in the conversations you have, the courage you bring to those conversations, and the willingness to face the parts of yourself that relationships inevitably illuminate.
Learn More About CNM and Relationship Dynamics
The Gottman Institute – I Found the One, and We’re in an Open Marriage
American Psychological Association – Consensual Non-Monogamy Fact Sheet
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma & Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
Making Polyamory Work Podcast with Libby Sinback
Polywise: A Deeper Dive into Navigating Open Relationships by Jessica Fern & David Cooley
Leanne Yau/Polyphilia — Inclusive, modern CNM education
If you and your partner are exploring consensual non-monogamy—or just trying to understand what openness might mean for your relationship—we’re here to help you navigate the conversations with clarity and care. Our relationship/couple therapists support CNM, monogamy, and everything in between.
Book a free consultation to talk with someone who can help you feel grounded, connected, and understood as you chart your path forward.
Featured therapist author:
Sarah Barukh, ACSW, the eldest of four, was shaped by her responsibility and deep familial bonds. She is a sister to a brother with high needs autism, which has given her insight into caregiving, advocacy, and the complexities of family dynamics. Sarah is exploring her Ashkenazi and Mizrahi Jewish identity through Reform Judaism, finding meaning in tradition, culture, and community. She is also personally familiar with the emotional and practical challenges of supporting a loved one through serious illness, and has struggled with anxiety since childhood, which gives her a personal understanding of what it means to live with and work through it. She is engaged in social justice and organizing, with experience in political campaigns, labor organizing, and collective action.
In her spare time, you can find her checking out way too many books from the library, sweating it out at Dance Church, getting lost on a new hike, singing at the top of my lungs in the car, and FaceTiming with the people she loves who live too far away.
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