On How to Talk About Your Feelings (Without Spontaneously Combusting)
Talking About Feelings Isn’t Weak — It’s a Skill
If you’ve ever tried to “open up” and immediately regretted it, welcome! You’re among friends here. Talking about your feelings can feel like trying to explain jazz to a robot. You know there’s something important happening, but finding the “right” words? Hard.
The truth is, most of us were taught to “be nice,” “stay calm,” or “move on.” For people who were raised as male especially, a large majority were taught to push down their emotions and certainly never given the vocabulary to name or talk about them.
Most of us were never actually taught how to say, “I’m sad and also hungry and kind of mad about everything in 2025.” So if you’re finding yourself Googling “how to talk about your feelings” late into the wee hours, congrats! You’re already doing something brave, simply by asking for help with this.
Learning how to talk about your feelings starts with small, honest moments. By naming what you feel, noticing how it shows up in your body, and sharing with people who feel safe, you build emotional fluency—one brave sentence at a time.
Before we jump in, if you’re still learning how to feel your emotions/want to be more in touch with your emotions (before trying to describe them), you might want to check out our previous post: 7 Tips from a Therapist for Feeling Your Emotions.
Now, let’s get into some therapist-approved, human-tested ways to actually talk about your feelings—without spontaneously combusting.
Start Small—You Don’t Need a Full Emotional Monologue
Think of this like emotional stretching. If you’re anything like me, you haven’t gone to the gym or to yoga in months, but when you finally do, you’re reallyyy tempted to go hard. You can’t actually lift 100 (or even 25) lbs when you haven’t even used the 3 lb. weights you have at home since before Trump’s first term. This is a sure-fire way to deeply hurt yourself! Let me spare you the acute injury here—just don’t do it!
Ease In with Small Truths
So when it comes to talking about your feelings, same principle applies. Even though you may be newly inspired to share your deepest, darkest, and most-formative experiences, it may be good to test the waters first. You don’t start with your deepest childhood wound; you start with something like:
“Honestly, I’ve been a little overwhelmed this week.”
Boom. You’ve done it. Sure, it’s not the full TED talk of your life, but still counts! You’ve named a feeling out loud, and no one exploded.
Talking about emotions is a muscle that needs building. Start with the emotional equivalent of a light jog, not a full Ironman.
And yes, dear reader, as a self-proclaimed “indoor kid”, I too am surprised that I have any (albeit minimal) sports lingo available to me! On that note, have you peeped any of my other real sporty posts, like this one about that really long World Series game?
Say What You Feel, Not What They Did
Here’s the therapist cliché that works because it’s true:
You say: “You never listen.”
Therapist (me!) suggests this alternative: “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.”
Pow! The first version throws a dart.
Ahhhh [Sigh of relief]. The second version opens a door.
I know, I know. But your partner really never listens! You keep reminding them of this and they somehow still don’t hear you. See?! Proof that they’re not listening!
Focus on Impact, Not Accusation
Talking about how you feel is just that. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when you say, “You never listen,” you’re not actually saying anything about how you feel. Last I checked, “you never listen” isn’t actually an emotion, it’s an accusation. And if your partner is anything like me, it’s a sure-fire way for them to get quickly defensive and actually not hear you.
Instead, “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted” says how you actually feel. It names the emotional impact on you when you have been interrupted. When you’re trying to convey feeling hurt by a loved one’s actions, best to stick to this recipe below.
Try This Feelings Formula
Label the emotional impact + Describe the behavior you observed.
This works in any order! Check it out:
“When you forget to text me that you’re running late, I feel worried about your safety.”
“I feel sad/alone when we haven’t cuddled in a few days.”
“I feel discouraged and unappreciated when I worked for a week on that project and didn’t receive any feedback about it.”
“When I have to repeat myself, I feel angry and hurt because I tell myself that you don’t care about what I share with you.” (this one gets bonus points because it also shares the meaning that you’re making of the behavior)
We’re going for vulnerability here, not verbal sparring. Try to keep the focus on your inner experience (your feelings and the stories you’re telling yourself)—that’s where the real connection happens.
“Your feelings are not now—and have never been—a problem to solve. They’re a language to learn.”
Let Your Body Help You Out
Your body knows your feelings before your brain has even RSVP’d to the party.
Notice what’s happening physically. Take a pause and direct your attention to any inner sensations that you can become aware of: your tight chest, clenched jaw, shoulders at ear-level — and describe that.
Emotions Show Up Physically First
The more you take a quick moment to tune into your physical self, the more you’ll notice that certain sensations often appear with specific emotions. As described in Traci Pedersen’s Psych Central article, What are Physical Emotions?, “some of the more common physical sensations of emotions [are]:
Anxiety. Lump in your throat, churning stomach, trembling, dry mouth, sweating, shortness of breath, feeling weak or tense.
Anger. Hot or flushed face, clenched fists or jaw, shaking, jerky body movements.
Joy. Feeling of lightness in your body, warm heart, “butterflies” in your stomach.
Sadness. Feeling of “heartache,” heaviness in your body, tightness in chest, fatigue, drooping face.
Shame. Hot face, lowered eyes, sunken body posture.
Fear. Dizziness, weakness in legs, goosebumps, fast breathing and heart rate.”
Translate Sensations Into Words
So next time you’ve got a pit in your tummy when talking to your family member, try saying:
“I notice my stomach knots up when we talk about this; I think I’m anxious.”
Now you’re not just naming a feeling; you’re integrating it. (And therapists everywhere are slow-clapping for you. We’re so proud!)
Choose Safe People (and Safe Times)
As I alluded to earlier, maybe don’t start your talking about feelings debut mid-argument or over a loud group chat.
You might begin by naming just one feeling out loud in a low-stakes space. Pick someone who feels emotionally safe. Start with a friend who listens without fixing, a therapist who gets your vibe, or even your dog (10/10 listener; zero judgment;100% wet, encouraging kisses).
When I work with my therapy clients on cultivating more vulnerability and building the muscle to share how they’re really feeling, I remind them that the people we choose to share openly with need to be deserving of our vulnerability. But of course, all cats and dogs automatically meet this criteria!
At it’s heart, vulnerability means taking an emotional risk.
And when we know that we’re doing something risky, unless you’re a true adrenaline junkie, we (ideally) try to measure the risk first—we weigh the pros and cons and decide whether the potential for connection is worth the possibility of discomfort. An integral part of measuring the emotional risk, is thoughtfully considering who you’re choosing to share with.
How to Know If Someone Is Emotionally Safe
Some questions to help you identify an emotionally safe person:
How has this person responded when I’ve shared something emotional or personal with them in the past?
Do I generally consider this person to be trustworthy?
In this moment, does this person have the space/capacity to really hear me and respond in the way I’d hope?
Has this person shared personal/emotional things with me? (aka does this feel like an emotionally reciprocal relationship?)
If you answered yes to these questions, then go for it! You have to start taking bite-sized risks to begin strengthening your talking-about-my-feelings muscle.
Start with a Small Share
Then pick a place to start that’s not too too vulnerable. I like to think of this as dipping your toe in and feeling out the temperature, rather than cannonballing into the deep-end just to learn that the water is way too cold today.
Try saying something like:
“I’m kind of nervous to say this, but I’m feeling a bit sad today.”
OMG! You did it! You’re killing it at vulnerable, emotional communication!
A small word of caution: oversharing or trauma-dumping generally results in pushing people away, despite our efforts to try to connect and actually invite them in. If you’re ready to share something more emotionally intense, be mindful of what you’re sharing and the possible impact on the person you’re sharing with.
And if you need backup? That’s what we’re here for.
Book a consultation with one of our Kindman & Co. therapists — we love helping people practice this feelings stuff in real time.
Talking About Feelings Is a Radical Act
In a culture that celebrates “I’m fine!” like it’s an aspirational personality trait, telling the truth about your emotions is revolutionary.
When you say, “I’m scared,” “I’m excited,” or “I’m grieving,” you give others permission to be real, too.
Emotional Truth as Everyday Resistance
With the team at Kindman & Co., we often talk about Vulnerability Dominoes. I’m not sure how the actual game of Dominoes is played, but when I was a kid, we’d just stack them all up in a row and knock the first one down to watch them all quickly fall in succession. That IS how you play Dominoes, right?
So in our version of Vulnerability Dominoes (it’s a metaphor!) we celebrate moments where clients (or one of us) have taken the leap—to share or do something that felt emotionally risky—and been met by another person choosing to share in kind. When you don’t turn away from the thing that feels scary, it often models for others that they can do this too. And guess what? It also feels really good and is quite reassuring when you’ve just shared vulnerably and are met with someone else’s vulnerability.
And just like that, now you’re a leader! An activist! A revolutionary!
This is how empathy spreads—one brave conversation at a time.
This is also resistance—you’re actively pushing back against a culture of stoicism, capitalism, fierce independence, and above all, one that prioritizes intellect and analysis over our innate ability to feel and connect.
So go ahead: start small, stay curious, and remember: your feelings are not now—and have never been—a problem to solve. They’re a language to learn.
Ready to level up?
Feeling Feelings: The Sequel
Congratulations, you’ve now entered Advanced Feelings: The Talking Edition. Don’t worry, there’s no pop quiz, just a lifetime of opportunities to practice. Lucky you!
Building Emotional Fluency Takes Practice
Each time you speak your feelings out loud—to a partner, a friend, your therapist, or your very patient dog—you’re rewiring the part of you that learned to hide them. That’s huge. That’s healing. That’s activism.
So go ahead, take the emotional risk. Say the thing. Feel the thing.
And remember, there’s a tiny team of therapists in Los Angeles who are cheering for you (and slow-clapping, obvi) as you win at Vulnerability Dominoes.
Want help finding your words?
Learning how to talk about your feelings is a skill; one worth practicing with care, patience, humor, and support. At Kindman & Co., our therapists are here to help you learn how to talk about your feelings and build deeper connections with yourself and the people you love.
Let’s help you find the words for what’s true.
Featured therapist author:
Kaitlin Kindman, is a co-founder of Kindman & Co., is disabled, an activist, and a feminist. Her purpose is to help her clients come to believe that they are not alone, they belong, AND they inspire—they have the power to bring about change. She works with her clients to feel more connected, so that they take actions that improve their relationships and the world.
Kaitlin is deeply committed to providing socially just and anti-oppressive therapy. She really loves working with couples to improve their relationships and deepen intimacy, with other therapists and healers, as well as entrepreneurs and other business owners. Kaitlin finds true enjoyment in cuddling with animals, a just-right temperature cup of tea, feeling the sun on her face, and dancing in supermarket aisles.
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We are here for your diverse L.A. counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and support for creatives. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.