On Being Seen in the In-Between
To be known is to be loved—but being seen can feel far riskier. Below is a reflection on what it means to live in the in-between, to be misunderstood, and to find freedom in spaces where you don’t have to explain yourself.
To be known is to be loved. To be seen, though…cringe. Just kidding, though there are times that shrinking into a tiny, invisible, imperceptible speck appeals to me and I crave the anonymity of it all. Of course, everyone has parts of themselves that are overlooked, hidden, or concealed by assumptions the human brain can’t help but make.
The Tension Between Being Known and Being Seen
As a non-binary person, there are parts of my identity that feel almost reliably misunderstood. Even well-meaning allies can have their limits. An honest mistake, a slip of the tongue, a line drawn in the sand with me on the wrong side, a line drawn at all that delineates only wrong sides. I don’t hold it against anyone – we were all brought up with the same sticky programming that lingers with us, as much as we try to shake it off. I try not to take it personally, and yet, when the truth shines through the cracks, some air escapes me. I deflate, just slightly.
The Quiet Weight of Being Misunderstood
I imagine this is a relatable experience for many folks across identities. We, as a society, are very practiced in constructing imaginary boxes to squeeze people into, afterall. But, what a disservice to everyone to reduce a full spectrum to just a few multiple choice options. And, what a tragedy for us to then whittle ourselves down into tiny, imperceptible specks or lose so much air that we fit into one of the small boxes.
The Subtle Ways We Learn to Shrink
I notice myself showing up a little more whittled in some spaces than others. More stoic, more constrained, I wouldn’t risk wearing a crop top and make-up in a predominantly cisheteronormative space – it might expose more cracks. Even in some queer spaces I wonder how myself I can be, the cisheteropatriarchy being so far reaching and somewhat entrenched.
The Freedom of Being Seen Without Being Solved
Being in community with other trans and non-binary people, however, I feel most free to express all parts of myself. I can cut my hair without it making me a man and paint my nails without it making me a woman. I can be a girlypop, or a bro, or just a little guy (shit, I can be all three) because no one is searching for data to fill in the math equation of my gender. No one is imagining me with long hair, or wondering what my mother named me, or waiting on a balloon to pop to reveal blue or pink confetti. Because I am seen just as I am, somewhere in the in between.
If Being Known Is Love, Being Seen Is Liberation
If to be known is to be loved, then to be seen is to be free.
Ready to stop shrinking?
Beyond the Binary is a therapy group for trans and non-binary folks who want to take up space, together.
Featured therapist author:
Logan Kim is a pansexual, non-binary Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and Associate Professional Clinical Counselor. They really enjoy supporting individuals, couples, and families to heal attachment injuries and intergenerational trauma, foster healthier relationships, and reconnect with their bodies, feelings, and authentic selves. Logan is especially passionate about disrupting the cisheteropatriarchy and working with queer and trans folks, exploring issues around identity, relationships, sexuality, and gender. In addition to being excited about therapy, they also find joy existing in nature, watching reality TV, and engaging in creative hobbies, like sewing and watercolor.
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