On Watching #MomTok Through a Relational Therapy Lens
Watching #MomTok through a relational therapy lens reveals how power, belonging, and conflict play out in high-control systems. Rather than focusing on individual choices or assigning blame, this perspective invites us to zoom out and consider the relational patterns and cultural forces shaping how people connect, conform, and survive. What unfolds on screen isn’t just reality TV drama; it’s a familiar story about how systems teach us who gets to belong—and at what cost.
Reality TV and My Therapist Brain: When “Mindless” Viewing Isn’t So Mindless
Sometimes, after work, I appreciate a long evening of reality TV. Picture this: it’s 7:00 p.m., I just got home from work, and I am itching for some mindless entertainment. I scroll through the shows I have yet to catch up on, and The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives pops up. It feels exciting, as it’s gaining a lot of attention and traction. I press play, expecting to turn my brain off, but an episode in, I realize my therapist brain is fully engaged. As a therapist, and one relatively new to a relational therapy approach, watching The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives felt like observing a masterclass in relational patterns, power dynamics, and adaptive emotional survival strategies. I want to clarify that I am not here to shame individuals; I am more interested in how systems shape behaviors, relationships, and self- and other-expectations.
Relational Therapy: The Stuff Between Us
Relational therapy illuminates how we navigate relationships, both the harm we experience in them and the healing they facilitate. It focuses on the “stuff between us,” the patterns of connection we carry from our past into our present. It is about understanding how we interact, our internal frameworks, and how we might cultivate more authentic, balanced relationships. Immersed in The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, my relational-therapist brain couldn’t help but notice all the patterns playing out in 4K.
Polish, Perfume, and Performative Perfection
How Belonging Gets Conditioned
The performance of perfection was impossible to ignore. These women were polished, curated, and “on” to a degree that felt deliberate, even calculated. The more I watched, the clearer it became that this performance was a product of intersecting cultural forces: patriarchy, whiteness, heteronormativity, religiosity, and the influencer economy. Authenticity seemed like a luxury afforded to few, as belonging appeared contingent on performative conformity. In this context, these women had learned that belonging or being included meant shrinking, smoothing, or performing.
Saints vs. Sinners: Who Gets Invited to the Party?
Throughout the show, there is a constant framing of good versus evil, as the women of “#MomTok” are divided into two camps: “Saints” and “Sinners.” The “Saints” adhere closely to traditional Mormon values, avoiding alcohol, upholding conservative gender roles, and wearing garments. The “Sinners” embrace a more modern, “permissive” lifestyle, often drinking, partying, and challenging traditional expectations. This binary thinking is characteristic of high-control systems and bleeds directly into relational dynamics: who is trusted, who is judged, and who gets to belong. From a relational perspective, rigid binaries obscure the nuanced, very human middle ground, a space relational work seeks to explore.
Avoidance or Explosion: How Conflict Gets Distorted in High-Control Systems
Will #MomTok Survive This?
Conflict among the women frequently oscillates between extremes. They either pussyfoot around their honest opinions to maintain the peace or erupt into fully combative, explosive confrontations that leave little room for repair. This binary way of thinking, where one person is entirely right or entirely wrong, perpetuates relational harm. The relational therapist in me longs for supportive, constructive dialogues where repair is possible, though that would hardly make for compelling reality TV.
Patriarchy, Pop Culture, and Power Plays: Drama You Can’t Look Away From
I hesitate to oversimplify a topic that is so complex and layered. Watching this show is intense, as it spotlights the intersecting power structures these women navigate: patriarchy, whiteness, religious hierarchy, and heteronormativity. This is not to suggest that these women are uniquely dysfunctional; they are simply operating within a system that rewards compliance and punishes authenticity. This is a concept many of us can relate to: navigating structures that valorize particular identities, behaviors, or lifestyles while negotiating our own agency within them.
A Reflection for Readers
I want to invite readers to reflect: Do you feel that taking up less space provides safety? Where did you learn that? Who defined what it means to be “good”? How do you define it now? Which relationships still operate on old scripts, and why? These questions are offered not to critique, but to illuminate how we all exist within systems of power, perhaps different ones, still all influencing how we relate to ourselves and others.
Patterns Aren’t Personal Failures
As I conclude, something that resonates through the lens of relational therapy is that patterns are not personal failures; they are adaptations we develop to survive specific circumstances. Relational work helps us understand these patterns, navigate ourselves and our relationships more authentically, and challenge the intersecting systems that shaped them.
This reflection is part of a broader series examining The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives through a relational therapy lens, exploring how systems, power, and attachment shape behavior and connection. Check out our previous reflections on #MomTok below:
If this reflection stirred something for you — about belonging, conformity, or the roles you’ve learned to play — you’re not alone.
Relational therapy with our therapists at Kindman & Co. offers space to explore these patterns with curiosity and care.
Learn more about how individual therapy and relationship therapy can help you explore your relational patterns and move out of performance into more authenticity and true belonging.
Featured therapist author:
Elizabeth Taylor is a queer, neurodivergent Associate Marriage and Family Therapist #132575 who brings a deep understanding of trauma and the many ways it can shape our bodies, relationships, and sense of self. She is committed to creating therapeutic spaces that feel safe, inclusive, and grounded in genuine care. Her goal is to offer a place where healing can unfold through connection, community, and the steady presence of someone who truly sees you. Elizabeth is especially passionate about working with queer and LGBTQIA+ clients and neurodivergent communities. Much of her work centers on exploring identity, desires, relationships, and the impact of the systems we move through. She supports clients in questioning limiting narratives, reclaiming their autonomy, and rediscovering the parts of themselves that have always deserved gentleness.
Her approach balances depth with playfulness, honoring the heaviness that can come with healing while still making room for joy, silliness, and moments of ease. Outside of therapy, Elizabeth is a sister, daughter, friend, devoted cat parent, and lifelong deep thinker. She enjoys discovering new corners of the city, spending time in parks, mermaiding, hiking, snowboarding, crafting, and getting a little too invested in board games. Her life and work are guided by a strong commitment to justice, equity, and community connection.
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