On Reconnecting with an Old Friend: Living with Chronic Depression
Depression has been part of my story for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it's loud and impossible to ignore. Other times it fades into the background long enough for me to believe it might be gone for good. This is a reflection on what happens when an old companion returns—and what experience, community, and self-compassion have taught me along the way.
On Reconnecting with an Old Friend
A few decades ago, I became acquainted with my now old friend: depression.
We have a kind of on-again, off-again relationship. We’ve had our stints of codependence—months without leaving each other’s side—and we’ve also taken some breaks over the years.
No matter how much time passes in between visits, whenever we see each other again, we pick up right where we left off. It always feels like nothing has changed.
Depression tries to convince me to stay in when I’ve made other plans, he keeps me up way too late and then I sleep in too long, and he always reminds me how boring all my hobbies actually are.
We have the kind of relationship where we bond by criticizing me—we shit on each other.
I know, I know. Everyone who loves me tells me that our relationship isn’t exactly healthy.
But at this point we’ve been friends so long that it’s almost like he’s part of me. When he comes to town, he always crashes with me, and I can’t displace him even if I tried.
I just wish he knew when to leave.
What Life Feels Like Between Depressive Episodes
Whenever I manage to take some healthy space from depression, I notice a shift. I feel some relief.
I feel lighter. More connected. The day and night feel more vivid. Sometimes even mundane, ordinary things start to have a beauty about them.
But, it feels like more than just relief that follows.
The Strange Relief (and anxiety) of Feeling Better
I notice that I start to feel anxious, almost paranoid, vigilantly keeping an eye out for his return. I watch for signs that the other shoe will drop again. Sometimes I feel afraid to reenter the world because the pillow forts we build togetherstart to feel pretty cozy and safe, albeit dark.
There is often grief, too. Grief for all the time that passed and life I missed while hiding out. And then, after enough distance, I begin to feel the world itself again instead of the empty imprint depression leaves behind.
This feels like a lovely place for the story to end…but I did say that depression and I are on-again, off-again. For those of us living with chronic depression, it would read more like fiction.
Recognizing When Depression Returns
Lately, I’ve fallen back into some of the habits that my old friend introduced me to:
cancelling plans,
escaping into screens,
abandoning my normal hobbies and routines.
It feels hard to describe, but I can usually sense when he’s back in the area.
The Familiar Signs of depression
On gloomy days I’ll see his silhouette in the clouds, nowadays most news reporters sort of sound like him, and the other day he turned up at my doorstep, undeniable and in the flesh.
I wish I could deny him.
Historically, though, I’ve found that ignoring him doesn’t tend to make things better. Instead, it tends to keep important tools and supports out of reach.
The Fear That Comes With Depression
Running into this old friend is always a freaking jumpscare.
In the wild, he can seem pretty subtle and unassuming, so my first encounter with depression was a slow burn. By now, I know what an insidious little creature he is.
The slightest glimpse or even whiff of him and I get that familiar sinking feeling:
How deep into the cave will we venture?
How long until we surface for air?
Or the heaviest fear, what if I don’t make it back up this time?
These fears aren't always rational, but they are real.
What Experience Has Taught Me About Living with Depression
Even though it feels like we’ll pick up right where we left off and that nothing’s changed, I always need to remind myself that with every go around the block, something changes every time.
Me.
When depression walks down the long corridor towards me, I recognize him sooner now. I know all the tricks in his book and if I can muster up enough of my paralyzed will, I have the ability to counter or even dodge some of them.
I know that I’ve ousted him before and, if he’s too stubborn, I know some of the boundaries I need to set with him so that we can coexist more peacefully.
Most importantly, I've learned something else:
People care.
Even when I’m not at my best. There are people willing to sit with me and my old friend, depression, in the dark cave, inside the pillow fort, or along the long corridor.
All I have to do is ask.
I’m reconnecting with an old friend and it won’t be forever, but it probably won’t be our last rodeo either.
Who Sits With You in the Cave?
One of the hardest parts of depression is believing we're alone in it. Take a moment to think about the people who help you find your way back to yourself. If someone came to mind, consider reaching out today.
If you’re finding that depression keeps visiting and you could use support, schedule a match call today to be paired with a therapist who can help you befriend depression and live more fully
Featured therapist author:
Logan Kim is a pansexual, non-binary Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and Associate Professional Clinical Counselor. They really enjoy supporting individuals, couples, and families to heal attachment injuries and intergenerational trauma, foster healthier relationships, and reconnect with their bodies, feelings, and authentic selves.
Logan is especially passionate about disrupting the cisheteropatriarchy and working with queer and trans folks, exploring issues around identity, relationships, sexuality, and gender. In addition to being excited about therapy, they also find joy existing in nature, watching reality TV, and engaging in creative hobbies, like sewing and watercolor.
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