This element of secure functioning can be a bit provocative at first. “You expect me to put my relationship first?? Even above my family? My children?? My job?” Simply put, yes. Putting the relationship first doesn’t mean foregoing all other priorities, but it does mean that for both partners to feel truly stable, they must know—and more importantly, feel—that their partner prioritizes caring for their relationship above other tasks (including substances, hobbies, and, for many of us, those pesky iPhones).

Research shows that individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have greater emotional well-being and more intimacy and trust in their relationships. But what about those who have struggled with attachment trauma and insecure attachment in their past? This is where earned secure attachment comes into play. By understanding the context that has shaped your attachment style, you can work towards developing a secure foundation for your relationships moving forward.