On What Adults Gets Right About Friendship & Figuring Out Adulthood
Adults is a TV show about a group of twenty-somethings living in one of their parents' houses, trying to figure out adulthood while remaining deeply entangled in each other's lives. It is funny, deeply cringey, and, maybe most importantly to me, a surprisingly good portrayal of friendship.
Source: IMPAwards.com
The pressure to have adulthood figured out
I quickly identified with one of the show's characters, Billie. She carries the pervasive feeling that she needs to have everything together, or at least needs to convince everyone else that she does.
Spoilers: she goes back to her high school too often to talk about the "real world" after she's been fired; she loves jury duty for the structure it provides, even if it's only for a short while; and, in one of my favorite meltdowns, yells, “We are in the roast chicken phase of life!”
Billie is constantly looking for some kind of confirmation that she is where she is supposed to be, and she never seems particularly satisfied when she gets it.
When anxiety turns life into a never-ending to-do list
I recognized myself in that pretty quickly. Those who know and care about me know that I live with an anxious brain. There is always something else to do, another thing to complete, another list to write.
If I am left to my own devices, I will get a lot done, but I also have a hard time actually relaxing or enjoying myself. Even when I am technically relaxing, there is usually a part of my brain thinking about what I should be doing instead, or what I need to remember to do tomorrow.
It can be hard to convince myself that there is nothing else I need to accomplish before I am allowed to enjoy myself.
Friendship can interrupt the pressure to keep doing
There is a particular joy I feel watching Billie get swept up in all of her friends' shenanigans.
I don't think she is ever able to fully turn off her brain, but I love watching her get swept up in whatever her friends are doing. For a little while, she isn't trying to get ahead professionally or personally or figure out whether she is doing adulthood correctly.
She is just there, doing something ridiculous with her friends.
I know that feeling. It is how I feel when my roommate lovingly closes my laptop because I have been working for too long, or when I get a call from a friend on the way to work, or when someone nudges me to go out when it is far past my bedtime.
I think this is one of the things I value most about friendship as an adult: having people who occasionally interrupt that pattern.
Sometimes we find rest through other people
I don't think that's something Billie necessarily learns how to do on her own. She still has the same brain, the same worries, and the same desire to feel like she is doing life correctly.
But when she's with her friends, she gets these little breaks from all of that.
That’s part of what relationships can offer us. We don’t always have to figure out how to quiet the anxious voice, stop striving, or become perfectly good at resting on our own. Sometimes another person helps pull our attention back into the life that is happening right now.
Rest isn’t always about doing nothing. Sometimes the kind of rest we need is connection, play, creativity, or simply a break from being the person who has to hold everything together. Explore the seven different types of rest and what might actually help you feel restored.
You don't have to have adulthood figured out to belong in it
That's what I love about Adults. The characters are embarrassing and make questionable decisions, but they are deeply involved in each other's lives.
They interrupt each other's plans, drag each other into things, and give each other reasons to pay attention to what is happening right now. They don't always know what they are doing, and they certainly don't have adulthood figured out, but they keep showing up for each other anyway.
That's what, for better or worse, I recognize in Billie. I don't think my brain is ever going to stop making lists or thinking about what's next, but I really like having people in my life who give me a reason to put the list down.
You don’t have to figure out adulthood by yourself.
If your brain is always asking what’s next, what you should be doing, or whether everyone else somehow got the adulthood instruction manual you missed, therapy can be a place to put some of that pressure down.
At Kindman & Co., we offer relational therapy for young adults navigating anxiety, perfectionism, relationships, identity, life transitions, and the strange ongoing project of becoming a person.
Find a therapist who gets you →
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