On Things You Shouldn't Do in a Relationship & What to Do Instead
The world knows that communication is key for couples, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Many partners seek out couples therapy or relationship counseling because they’re stuck in painful communication loops and don’t know how to break them.
To help, we asked several therapists from Kindman & Co. to share the most common communication mistakes couples make — and what healthier alternatives look like. These examples can help you understand what effective communication actually sounds like, and how small changes can create huge shifts in connection!
If you want more personalized support, you can learn about our approach to Couples Therapy and Relationship Therapy as well.
1. Starting with “You…” Instead of Using “I” Statements
One of the fastest ways to trigger defensiveness is to lead with “you make me feel…” or “you did X and it made me feel Y.” Even if your intention is to share your experience, it lands like blame.
In any type of relationship, "I-statements" are key! If people are already feeling in a defensive state, starting a sentence with "you" is never a good way to go.
Therapists recommend shifting to I-statements, which center your feelings without making assumptions about your partner’s intent:
Try this instead:
“When X happened, I felt Y.”
This reduces defensiveness, increases clarity, and invites collaboration.
2. Avoiding Eye Contact When Things Get Vulnerable
Directing your body away from your partner or looking away when they’re sharing something vulnerable, even unintentionally, can send the message that you’re checked out, annoyed, or withdrawing emotionally.
This is why couple therapists often ask you to face your partner instead of the therapist.
Try this instead:
Turn your body slightly toward your partner
Make gentle, tolerable eye contact
Use nodding, softening facial expressions, or grounding breaths
These signals say, “I’m here with you.” They create safety, which is the foundation of good communication.
If your couple's therapist asks you face your partner instead of the therapist, it's because they are trying to reinforce the importance of how to talk to your partner. If eye contact is something you struggle with, even shifting your body toward your partner is helpful when communicating.
3. Unchecked Emotions Running the Show
Many communication problems come from unprocessed emotions, especially resentment. Underneath resentment, couples often find jealousy, fear, anger, or loneliness.
Try this instead:
Take a moment to look inward before speaking:
“Am I jealous of my partner’s free time?”
“Am I envious of my partner's quality time with the kids?”
“Am I feeling unappreciated?”
“Do I need more help, more rest, or more reassurance?”
Once you know what’s happening inside, try expressing it this way:
“I’m feeling ___, and I’m realizing I need more ___.”
For example, "I'm feeling (jealous, angry, limited, etc.) and realizing I need more (time for myself, praise for my job, family time, etc.)." Communicating your feelings and your needs help to create clarity and reduces miscommunication dramatically.
4. Believing “We Never Fight” Means the Relationship Is Healthy
“We never fight” sounds idyllic—but often, it actually signals avoidance, not harmony.
When you're so focused on always agreeing with your partner (or on proving to others that you do), you're discouraged from being truthful in the moments you don't actually agree. When partners fear upsetting each other, small concerns become huge, unspoken resentments. Avoiding relationship conflict also prevents building skills for hard conversations.
When this is your pattern, raising even a small issue that's coming up for you has higher stakes. Potential conflict feels threatening to a relationship that’s predicated on perpetual agreement.
Try this instead:
Practice small disagreements.
Name tiny preferences or discomforts in low-stakes moments. This helps build confidence for navigating the bigger things later.
5. Dismissing Jealousy Instead of Exploring It
When jealousy comes up, couples often react in predictable ways:
One partner gets annoyed and minimizes the concern
The other hides their feelings to avoid seeming “too much”
Both reactions make emotional honesty harder.
For example, if partner A has a close friend that inspires jealousy in partner B, partner A may be led to largely ignore the issue out of annoyance and partner B may be led to downplay their feelings to guard against that annoyance.
While both responses make sense in context, they don't really make space for the couple to be honest about how they feel.
Try this instead:
Set aside time to gently explore the jealousy without jumping into problem-solving, fixing, or dismissing. Ask:
“What is this jealousy protecting?”
“What does this feeling need?”
“What would help you feel reassured or connected?”
Naming emotions makes them smaller, not bigger.
Sometimes, we're so quick to "get over" a certain issue that we push past how it makes us feel. And as hard as we may try, ignoring emotions doesn't actually make them go away!
6. Reacting With Defensiveness Instead of Connection
When working with couples, I like to make sure that we’re aiming toward resolving conflict through connection and cooperation, rather than hurt and defensiveness. One sign that the conversation has turned away from connection is when someone forgets to include themself in the picture.
When a conversation leaves the zone of connection, couples slide into criticism, defensiveness, and “you always…” statements. Words like “you always…” or “you’re not doing…” or “why can’t you just…” are a signal that connection is lost and resentment is creeping in.
A therapist-supported strategy here is using Brené Brown’s reframe:
Try saying:
“The story I’m telling myself is…”
This allows you to express the meaning your brain is assigning without accusing your partner. Compare:
Instead of: “You always expect me to do all the dishes every night!”
Try: “The story I’m telling myself is that I’m expected to do all the dishes.”
Both express the issue — but only one invites collaboration instead of conflict. The first example communicates your complaint with a push, the second, with an invitation. Try to invite your partner to explore your complaint with you, rather than to defend their position.
7. rushing conflict resolution
Conflict with your partner is hard. Period. Mending hurt and growing together require a good deal of discomfort and big emotions. Some partners want to fix things immediately. Others need time to regulate before continuing the conversation.
Both are normal — but mismatched pacing causes tension.
Sometimes it’s important to first take a moment to rest, breathe, and regulate yourself.
Often one partner will need to take space to digest and calm down before moving on with the conversation. This is a great strategy! But don’t forget to consider how this may feel to your partner who really wants to engage, and feels worried you might be disappearing on them. “I need a break, let’s table this conversation,” is a good start, but can leave your partner in the lurch. Until when? Don’t leave them stressing about if or when the conversation will continue.
Try this instead:
Instead of:
“I need a break.”
Try:
“I need 15 minutes to cool down — can we check in again after that?”
The second option helps your partner understand that you want some time but also helps them understand that you’ll come back to them. This sets a clear boundary and reassures your partner you’re not abandoning the conversation.
When to Seek Couples Therapy
If these patterns feel familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples benefit from therapist support, especially when communication starts feeling repetitive, overwhelming, or stuck.
At Kindman & Co., our team specializes in:
CNM & Polyamory-Inclusive Therapy
Attachment-Based Support
We help partners communicate more effectively, understand each other’s emotional worlds, and build relationships grounded in connection, respect, and repair.
Additional Resources
Our team of mental health and wellness practitioners are dedicated to creating a welcoming and comfortable office environment where you can express your feelings, engage in your authentic way of thinking and approaching the world, and learn to be the best and most liberated version of exactly who you are. We celebrate diversity; both in our team of clinicians and in the people we serve, who come from all cultures and backgrounds.
GET HELP NOW
If you are interested in therapy with Kindman & Co. and would like to learn more about the services we have to help you, follow these quick & easy steps:
Schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation with our Care Coordinator.
Get matched with the therapist who’s right for you.
Start feeling more supported and fulfilled in your life and relationships!
THERAPY SERVICES AT KINDMAN & CO.
We are here for your diverse counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and support for creatives. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.