On Being Trans: An Open Letter to My Community, Our Allies & Our Haters
Over the last few months I’ve struggled to decide whether I wanted to add anything to the very public and politicized discourse on transness, our existence, and our rights. Even now, I have doubts – what could I even say that hasn’t already been said? Is it right to take up space when people are being ruthlessly abducted and deported, when hospitals are being bombed in an ongoing genocide, when the climate crisis threatens the sustainability of any life here?
If anyone is reading this, then clearly I’ve decided to go ahead and write this. Because silence and withdrawal don’t do anything for anyone. Because making myself small while having the privileges I have would make me complicit with the anti-trans agenda that denies our existence. And, because if this reaches even one person in a meaningful way, then it’s worth it.
To my trans community:
I love you and I am constantly inspired by you. I feel so pulled to blanket validate you all, but I know that it’s not in my power to make anyone valid but myself. Just like it’s not a piece of paper, pronoun, or procedure (and definitely not a body part or chromosome) that decides who we are. Don’t get me wrong – I very much understand how important it is to have gender-affirming care, documentation that matches identity, and language that accurately fits. But, when strangers who’ve never met us decide to restrict our access to these things, or scapegoat us, or make it unsafe to say who we are out loud, it doesn’t erase us.
To the allies of the transgender community:
Thank you for seeing and supporting us. There are many trans people who don’t have the safety or privilege to be loud, especially now. That’s why it’s so meaningful when allies, who don’t quite have the same skin in the game, speak up and show up for us. Vote and advocate for the right policies and representatives, keep using our pronouns and consider stating yours (even if you think they would be correctly assumed), check on your trans friends, call other cisgender folks out (in?) when you hear them misgender us – it’s hard to always be the only one correcting people. There are many ways to be an ally, and the bar is so low that I appreciate you even if you’re just an ally at heart. But, if you want to step up for us, then I challenge you to be loud and to be active in your allyship.
To the transphobes, TERFs, ‘bio-essentialists’, etc:
I don’t know what they’ve told you, but there’s something out there that says “we’re supposed to hate each other.” And, while I struggle with a hurt that most days is easy to label as hate, I don’t see that bringing us any closer to understanding each other. I am a trans person and my pronouns are they/them. But, contrary to a lot of the narratives circulating our society, I am not interested in brainwashing kids, or threatening your way of life, or undermining anyone else’s existence. I am not trying to invalidate science (though, to be honest, if we really care about science then I’d love to share some resources that might be illuminating). What I am interested in is being a good friend, partner, family member, cat parent, community member, and therapist. I’m interested in paying my bills on time. I’m hoping to become a homeowner someday, maybe even start a family. I’m working on exercising a little more regularly, eating healthier, staying hydrated, and getting enough sleep. I think I’d like to travel more. I really want to finish that book that I’ve been halfway through for the last few months. When I go to the bathroom, I’m only there to do a maximum of three possible things: pee, poo, and wash my hands. If these things sound familiar, or resonant, or boring, or mundane, then it’s because (pronouns aside) I’m really not that interesting. I’m a human, just like you. Trans people are humans, just like you.
Logan will be launching a group, Beyond the Binary, for trans, non-binary, GNC, and genderqueer folks soon! If you’re looking for support, connection, or just a space where you don’t have to explain your identity or existence, we hope you’ll join us!
Logan Kim, is a queer, non-binary, Asian-American Associate Marriage and Family Therapist. They work with individuals and couples from a relational and social justice-oriented approach. Logan is particularly passionate about their work with queer and trans clients, exploring issues around identity, relationships, and the implications of existing in a cisheteronormative society.
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