On Beyond Social Formalities: Healing from the Impact of Chronic Masking
The Cost of Living for Others: Understanding Social Masking
I am writing this largely from my own personal experience and perspective. It felt like the most natural approach to me, but I also noticed the nagging pull toward creating something more traditionally ‘useful’ basically the whole time I wrote it. Hopefully it can be part of something larger.
The Analytical Quest for Certainty
I would consider myself a fairly analytical person. Although, I’m not sure I come off this way to other people. Which is strange given that I have spent most of my life crafting a ‘self’ that is an approximation of what I believe would be most useful to those around me. Perhaps on the surface that would give the impression I know exactly what everyone thinks of me because I have curated what they see. I have tried so hard to make myself useful to them and keep things nice and clean. I have acted in ways they would expect.
But I am not so rational. I am not so calculated. Do we expect everyone (or anyone) we meet to ask us plainly: “How should I behave around you in order to make this as seamless an interaction as possible?”
The Impossible Goal of Seamlessness
No, I imagine we don’t.
As much as I might like to ask this question, being so analytical and feeling safest when I have as much information to work with as possible, it really would be a jarring request. Jarring is not what I’m going for! I’m going for nice, clean and smooth.
This begs the question: how would I ever really know what others are expecting of me then?
This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night. I can gather a bunch of information, pay close attention to the rules of society, and ruthlessly interrogate the moments when I fall short in meeting the inferred needs of others. None of that will ever give me the certainty that I crave. This offers the veneer of truth; the impression of understanding. But I feel in my bones the impossibility of this goal. I know this to be a pointless endeavor and, given the immense pain and alienation I have experienced my entire life, it begs another question: Is this really what I want?
Moving From Reaction to Expansion
Certainly not! I don’t want to exist solely through reactions. I want to expand from the inside out and take up space. I don’t want to wait for my cue. I want to share my internal world not because I think I’m right but because forging the connections I crave is achieved through a diversity of perspectives and a push to make meaning together that often comes with some felt friction.
The Impact of Long-Term Neurodivergent Masking
For so long, friction has meant I was acting out, being bad, doing something unacceptable. Colliding with others was linked with shame. I reached out as a child in the only way I knew how, as myself, and was pushed away or beaten down. What comes natural to you is of no use to us in the real world. If it feels good, if it fits, you’re probably doing something you should be ashamed of.
Beyond the Clinical Definition
This is the impact of long term “masking”. A term I had a hard time identifying with until recently and, in the interest of being honest, still struggle to accept as a part of my lived reality.
Sometimes I feel it strongly and other times I worry I’m full of shit. It’s a process and something that will evolve over time. What I can say with confidence is that it’s the only thing that seems to have meaningfully chipped away at the alienation and despair.
Masking is the process of suppressing one’s natural tendencies, behaviors, and feelings in the interest of conforming to the normative expectations of the society they exist in. This process can be conscious or unconscious and serves to hide neurodivergent traits in order to appear neurotypical.
Late-Diagnosed Neurodivergence and Reclaiming Your Identity
Like many late-diagnosed neurodivergent folks I’ve spoken with, I initially had a hard time accepting I was anything other than a ‘normal person who was lazy or stupid or just chronically awkward’. That’s what I had been told.
Deconstructing the "Normal" Narrative
Ableist societies produce ableist subjects. My mother, who was blind and dealt with arthritis and lupus, went through extreme lengths to hide her pain. She and other family members would often tell me I should be grateful to be healthy.
When it was suggested by my fourth grade teacher that I be screened for ADHD and Autism my mom fought against what she ultimately felt was an insult. I could tell from her reaction that I was being accused of harboring something serious and shameful. So began the conscious awareness that my natural inclinations were worse than just a nuisance, they were dangerous.
Finding Life in Private Spaces
The challenge I’ll often receive from my most scrutinizing inner voice goes something like this: If you really are neurodivergent, why are you having such a hard time accepting it? If you’ve been masking your ‘true self’ this whole time, why don’t you have a better sense of who you really are? Why don’t you feel ‘free’ when you’re alone?
First off, I do feel much better when I’m alone or with a select few people. I didn’t necessarily know how to describe the sudden surge of energy I would get the moment I walked in the door or spoke with a friend I felt connected to, but I knew something was different.
Of course, because it felt so good I was immediately ashamed that I couldn’t seem to bring this energy to the outside world. I was clearly capable of being excited, happy, and talkative but I couldn’t muster any of it outside of very safe and private circumstances.
Second, and the main reason I wrote this blog from my own perspective, is that I didn’t see myself in the traditional criteria of being neurodivergent.
Building a World with Everyone in Mind
The commonly understood features of neurodivergence have essentially always been defined in terms of how they disturb the neurotypical peace. After the encounter with my teacher and the years of trauma that followed, all of my energy went toward being invisible. I didn’t appear easily distracted. I didn’t stim. I wouldn’t talk anyone’s ear off about things of interest to me. I became hyperaware of social formalities and niceties out of desperate necessity.
Two decades of this sort of thing and is it really any wonder I’d lost touch with my identity? Is it surprising that I would have a hard time accepting and loving myself?
The Power of Personal Perspective
The value of neurodivergent folks sharing their personal experiences and journeys is that we can move away from being informed by a narrow criteria that tends to overlook everyone aside from cis white boys with stable home lives.
We could actually understand just how often individuals diverge from the ‘norm’. I would imagine the amount of people who resonate with neurodivergent traits would be so high that we would have to reconsider what it even means to be ‘normal’ at all!
Then we could find room for complexity and uncertainty that doesn’t feel so dangerous. Then we could get a little closer to building a world with everyone in mind.
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Featured therapist author:
Liam DeGeorgio, AMFT, is a neurodivergent associate marriage & family therapist who strives to challenge society’s expectations and perceptions of ‘normal’. He lives with ADHD, OCD, and PTSD and enjoys working with clients wanting to challenge toxic masculinity, embrace feminism & anti-racism, and adults with childhood trauma. He loves playing the drums, reading books, and his four cats.
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