On Pushing Through & Knowing When You Don't Have To
Growing Up with a “Push Through” Mentality
Growing up, I couldn’t stay home sick from school unless I had “uncontrollable diarrhea or vomiting.” This was the explicit, spoken rule in my family. I played on sports teams where work ethic was valued above wellness, where I better finish my 400th push up before practice ended or else, where we ran on “every day that ended in ‘y’” (which is everyday, if it wasn’t obvious). I traveled to basketball tournaments with throw up bags in my lap. God forbid I let the bench get cold, but at least I wasn’t a quitter. I learned how to push through and it felt like I had to.
There have been many times in my life when I’ve been thankful that I learned to be resilient. There are times when my ability to forge forward beyond my known limits saved my ass. And there are times when it saved my life.
When Strength Turns Into Shame-Fueled Perfectionism
In recent years, however, I’ve realized that there is another side to my resilience - some blend of shame-fueled perfectionism, internalized capitalism, and insecurity. It was a lot prettier when it was dressed up as fortitude and strength. It started to look different when my partner asked me why I always push myself to the point of fainting or vomiting in a workout class. This last sentence seems so strange from an outside perspective, but there’s also an incredulous voice inside me that thinks it’s so obviously correct that it doesn’t need justification. That voice has its volume cranked to 11 and more often than not it drowns out the signals that my body sends me. It encourages me to prioritize the wrong things, tolerate unnecessary stress, and dismiss important cues that change is needed to foster sustainability. And, it does all this under the guise of some sort of character strength.
I’m learning that my default settings have programmed in a lot of resistance to the actual steps that foster sustainability, and I know I’m not the only one. It could be going too hard at the gym, it could be saying yes to that extra thing when you’re already overwhelmed, it could be feeling guilty when you finally take a sick day, or it could be something else. Any of these might be signs that the “push through” knob is dialed up and needs recalibrating.
the importance of Listening to your Body
It might be time to check in more honestly with your body and be ready to really listen to what it tells you. It could be an indication that there are some harmful narratives to deconstruct about perfectionism, productivity, or where worth comes from. It may be a cue to slow down and ground in the realities of our choices - that not all decisions we make are life or death, in fact most are not. And to let our nervous systems adjust to this.
I know that my body has been sending me these signals. And I know that I can push through. Now, I’m learning to distinguish between when I have to and when I don’t have to.
