On Identity & Finding a Therapist who “Gets it”
How convenient would it be if you could just talk about your ideal therapist and Instagram would generate an ad for the perfect match? “I want a Latina therapist with a touch of life traumas, a sense of humor, and who understands that reading a blog on ‘Boundary Setting During the Holidays’ doesn't feel culturally appropriate in my Mexican household If you're anything like me, all I get are Chewy and Taco Bell ads because apparently all I want is to hang with a cool dog and eat a chalupa. Finding a therapist can be a daunting journey, and our initial attempt towards a safe bet might be to google “therapists that share my identities”. But is that enough? Maybe the Instagram ad for the perfect therapist doesn't exist, but here are some steps to help you find a like-cultured and like-minded therapist.
questions to ask yourself to find the right therapist
What identities do I value in myself and want my therapist to have?
First step is to notice what multifaceted identities combine to create the wonder that is you. Are you a father? Bisexual? A survivor of a particular trauma? Guatemalan? Notice the identities that you are shameful, proud, or indifferent of and imagine how it would feel for you to sit across from someone who has one or a few shared intersections of your identities.
Why is this important to me?
Ask yourself why it is important for your therapist to understand your identities. Are you tired of explaining terminology and being delegated the role of “expert” of your culture? Do you want to talk about the relationships in your family without feeling like you have to break down the entirety of your culture or community?
Talk about your concerns.
At Kindman & Co. and most other private practice therapy settings, you are encouraged to have a 15-20 minute consultation call with potential therapists. This is a time to ask questions and see if you will be a good match for each other. Before the consultation, it can be helpful to write down a few questions related to the therapist's training, experience and approaches to identity and culture that may be important for you to feel comfortable working with them. Here are some examples to consider of what I have asked my own therapists or people have asked me (and yes, you can ask a prospective therapist these questions!):
I’m looking for a therapist who has a foundational knowledge of queer culture, can you tell me about your experience in this area?
My last therapist didn't “get” the challenges I face in being black in a white dominant workplace. How might you approach this?
I’m in the process of exploring my sexual orientation. What is your experience in working with queer people of color?
should I find a therapist who shares my intersectional identity?
There is a sense of safety in connecting with people of shared identities and folx that meet you at your intersections. Oftentimes, culture and community is what connects people—through our shared values and experiences. As humans, we have an innate desire to be understood and with the least amount of explanation as possible Ultimately, this is essential to helping us know and believe that we truly belong. I just picture my angsty, teen self in my head—standing with arms crossed, eyes rolling and sharing a detailed story of how my friends “just get me.” Plain and simple, we want people to “just get it.” We want our therapists to get us. But here's the thing, a shared identity does not always make for the perfect equation in finding a therapist best suited for you. Here are some things to consider:
Identity Matching
Shared identity may help to foster an initial connection with a therapist, and they may even grasp nuances of your identity that are often overlooked. There is a good chance that this therapist will understand your culture in a similar way as you, but this is not always the case. Sometimes this leaves more room for interpretation or assumptions of your life experiences and less room for exploration of your unique, lived experiences. Additionally, choosing a therapist solely on their cultural, religious, gender, or sexual orientation identity closes the door to exploring their training and expertise that aligns with your reason for seeking therapy. Take a collective approach in gathering information about the therapists identity, training, and your gut feeling when talking with them.
Your lived experience
Shared identity isn't enough! There is still a need for further exploration of YOUR lived experiences in YOUR family and how this impacts YOU specifically. Yes, your shared identity will connect you and hopefully aid in rapport building but there is therapeutic work to be done! A culturally sensitive therapist is likely to ask you about your culture, community, and upbringing regardless of your shared identity to ensure they are not forming inaccurate assumptions about your life story.
Representation in the field
Being that higher education is a privilege, and not accessible to all, there is a disproportionately low number of BIPOC therapists compared to white therapists. This leaves us with a sad reality that the culturally diverse therapist you're in search of may be quite difficult to find. Instead of looking for a therapist that meets all intersections of your identity, you may want to begin by broadening your search. Fortunately, there are therapist directories that can help you to find someone that you can connect with:
Historically, the onus has been on marginalized people to speak up and be the noted experts on all cultures, but we’re tired. Frankly, therapy is a safe place where you shouldn’t have to share the basics on Diversity and Inclusion 101. Find a therapist that gets it!
Dani Marrufo is Latinx, lesbian woman who is passionate about supporting Latinx, BIPOC, and LGBTQIA+ folks. I am constantly navigating the intersections of my queer identity & religion/spirituality. She is also very excited about helping poly and queer-identified partners to feel more secure in their relationships, communicate effectively and compassionately, and bridge any relevant cultural differences to have increased curiosity and enjoyment in their partnership.
GET HELP NOW
If you are interested in therapy with Kindman & Co. and would like to learn more about the services we have to help you, follow these quick & easy steps:
Schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation with our Care Coordinator.
Get matched with the therapist who’s right for you.
Start feeling more supported and fulfilled in your life and relationships!
THERAPY SERVICES AT KINDMAN & CO.
We are here for your diverse counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and support for creatives. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.