On: People Pleasing and Group Therapy
When people think about starting therapy, they usually picture sitting one-on-one with a therapist. Fewer people are aware of group therapy, and even fewer understand how impactful a process group can be, especially for people who are used to putting others first.
I used to think of therapy groups as support spaces centered around a shared experience, or places for people who were visibly struggling in relationships to learn concrete skills. I didn’t yet understand the kind of growth that can happen in a process-oriented group.
The set up
For those who are unfamiliar, a process group is a form of psychotherapy where about 5–15 individuals meet together with a therapist to explore emotions, relationships, and personal challenges in real time. Unlike more structured groups that focus on a specific topic or skill, process groups are largely unstructured. The focus is on what’s happening in the room between members in the present moment. Participants are invited to share openly and give and receive feedback, with the goal of increasing self-awareness and understanding how they impact others.
For people pleasers, this kind of space can be both deeply challenging and incredibly transformative.
people pleasers
When I talk about people-pleasing, I’m thinking of the tendency to shape yourself around others: monitoring their reactions, anticipating their needs, and adjusting your behavior in order to maintain connection or avoid discomfort. Many people who identify this way are incredibly attuned to others. They’re skilled at reading the room, picking up on subtle emotional cues, and offering what they think will be most well-received.
And while those skills can be adaptive, they often come at a cost. If you are constantly focused on what others might want from you, you don’t get much practice asking yourself what you want. Over time, it can become harder to access your own preferences, boundaries, and emotional responses.
This is where group therapy offers something different from individual work.
the collective
In a one-on-one setting, it’s still possible to people-please. You might try to be the “good client,” say the “right” things, or track your therapist’s reactions closely. But in a group, the dynamic shifts. There are multiple people, multiple perspectives, and multiple reactions happening at once. It becomes almost impossible to please everyone unless you say nothing at all, and even silence becomes meaningful.
In group, people pleasers are often faced with moments like these. You might want to agree with someone, but notice a different opinion inside. You might feel the urge to fill space to ease tension. You might worry you’ve said something wrong or hurt someone’s feelings. You might notice that you like some members more than others, and that not everyone will feel the same way about you.
These moments are not problems to fix. They are the work.
A process group invites you to begin shifting your attention from carefully tracking everyone else’s internal world to becoming more aware of your own. You might experiment with saying something that feels a little more honest, even if it risks discomfort. You might choose not to speak, and instead notice what comes up in the silence. You might share that you’re feeling anxious about how you’re being perceived.
And then something important happens: people respond.
The risk and opportunity
One of the most powerful parts of group therapy is the opportunity for a corrective emotional experience. You might express a thought or feeling that you would usually filter out, and instead of being rejected, you’re met with curiosity, understanding, or even appreciation. You might realize that disagreement doesn’t automatically lead to disconnection. You might see that you can take up space without losing your place in the group, and you might notice the surprise, or even confusion, that comes with that.
That doesn’t mean it feels easy. In fact, it often feels uncomfortable, awkward, and at times even painful. But that discomfort is part of what makes the experience meaningful. It creates the conditions for something new to emerge.
We don’t exist in isolation. Our lives are made up of relationships and the many subgroups we move through, including family, friendships, workplaces, and communities. We are constantly being shaped in relationships, and we continue to evolve through those interactions.
And yet, many of us experience groups as places where we’re supposed to get it “right.” We hold back, say the safest or most agreeable thing, or come in guarded and ready to defend ourselves. In doing so, we miss the opportunity that groups actually offer.
What if, instead, we approached group as a space to practice authenticity and curiosity? What if the goal wasn’t to be liked by everyone, but to better understand ourselves in relation to others?
For people pleasers, this can be a powerful shift. Group becomes a place to explore questions like what do I actually think, what do I feel, what happens if I say it out loud, and what happens if someone doesn’t agree.
Seeing it differently
These are not questions that can be fully answered in isolation. As much as we might want to figure ourselves out on our own, our sense of self is shaped and clarified in connection with others.
In group, you are invited to try things out. To say “no,” or “I don’t know,” or “I see it differently.” To notice when old patterns no longer serve you. To make mistakes, repair, and try again. To recognize that growth doesn’t come from getting everything right, but from staying engaged in the process.
We are allowed to change. In many ways, we have to. Our lives shift, our relationships evolve, and the world around us is constantly moving. Group therapy offers a space to stay curious in the midst of that change, to better understand yourself, to connect more authentically with others, and to allow yourself to be seen more fully.
If you’re someone who tends to shape yourself around others, a process group might offer something rare: a chance to discover what it feels like to be fully yourself in a room full of people, and to realize you can still belong.
Featured therapist author:
Sarah Barukh, ASW. I provide intentional support to those who feel overly responsible in their families, including eldest daughters, caregivers, and those carrying an uneven amount of emotional labor in their families, as well as adult children of parents with chronic or progressive illnesses, who may be navigating anticipatory grief, shifting family roles, and struggling to prioritize self-care. I also greatly enjoy working with fellow therapists, healers, and caregivers, who are supporting those who hold space for others while learning to hold space for themselves
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