On Bad Feelings
I’m hearing more and more these days about Bad Feelings. Maybe it’s the seasonal change, the darker evenings, or the anticipation of the upcoming holiday season. As we settle back down into routines and take stock of another summer, it’s normal to feel a pull toward reassessment, an acknowledgement of the time that has passed, toward loss. Whatever the cause, it’s coming up a lot and I feel the need to advocate for the feelings we like to push off and label negative.
I’m thinking mostly of feelings in the sadness, loneliness, grief spectrum. The feelings we culturally associate with deep hues of blue (seriously, try googling it). These are the feelings that we try not to share when asked, we don’t want to burden others with, and we do all we can to avoid. And I get it—no one wants to feel these things. It’s not fun or exciting or glamorous to be sad. And yet, what is life without it?
why feelings aren’t “good” or “bad”
Sadness is not an inherently “bad” feeling and happiness is not an inherently “good” one. These values come only from our collective consciousness. They also coincidentally align with several oppressive structures—think capitalism (if you’re happy, you’re productive!), patriarchy (be happy an amenable!), toxic masculinity (don’t be sad, boys! Or at least don’t show it!), individualism (happy people don’t need any help!). The idea that happiness is the emotion we should all strive for all the time is not a scientific truth, but a collective myth.
As a therapist, I can tell you that Achieving Happiness is not a sustainable or realistic long-term goal. Happiness, like any emotion, is transient. It is a state to be experienced, not a place to arrive. It is often complex and dappled with the shadow of grief—when truly happy, the pain of other emotions becomes clarified. Happiness actually doesn’t even exist without contrast to sadness.
And sadness has so much value in and of itself. Sadness allows us to connect to others, to reflect on love, to find meaning, to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. Sometimes sadness is just sad and it sucks, and sometimes it can also be dappled with its contrasting emotions—it can bring awareness to joy overlooked, to what is sustaining in this life.
evaluating emotions can lead to isolation
Labeling sadness as “Bad” also prevents us from being in relationship and connection with our sadnesses, which of course we all feel. The Bad Feeling label ties sadness to shame and then we become sad *and* isolated, which feels so much worse. If we separate sadness from any value judgement, then it can just be a thing for us all to feel and experience together, an emotion that draws us closer in our shared humanity.
So the next time you’re quick to assume that sadness is a Bad Feeling, I urge you to explore this association.
What if it was just a feeling? What if it were even important or valuable? What if it could connect you to others? What if it could help you move toward the life you want with clarity and motivation?
Would it be so bad then?
