On Couple Therapy--Myths & Misconceptions
Couple therapy, also referred to as relationship therapy, can be a big undertaking. Just as finding an individual therapist can be a difficult task, making the decision, finding a therapist, and actually walking through the door can be double the difficulty.
Relationship issues can be so triggering — it’s biology, we are wired for connection so the possibility of coming apart makes things feel real scary — and that makes it rife for analysis paralysis. Let’s take a minute to look at some myths and misconceptions I’ve heard as a therapist, and hopefully make the specter of relationship therapy a little less scary.
myth: couple therapy is only for when things are really bad
Relationship therapy is most effective when you and your partner(s) feel like you are on the same team. Once your relationship is in crisis, you may be prioritizing protection rather than connection. This doesn’t mean that therapy can’t help, but it may take longer to de-escalate, negotiate terms, and create safety. If you are already at a stable place, you can leverage the comfort you have with your partner and create a stronger foundation that will help you weather the trials ahead. If you’re not convinced yet, read more here about why you shouldn’t wait for things to get worse before starting relationship therapy.
myth: starting relationship therapy means that you’re probably going to break up
Let’s reframe this: Reaching for help when things feel difficult is a sign of strength and flexibility. What happens is important, but the way it happens is so much more meaningful. How you have difficult conversations can make the difference between a pattern of connected togetherness and quiet resentment or whether a breakup goes down in flames or if it ends amicably. Success in relationship therapy is about finding the outcome that allows everyone to live authentic, connected, and fulfilling lives. That could mean coming back together with a deeper connection and commitment. It could also mean accepting that the relationship needs to change or end.
myth: insurance will never reimburse for couple therapy
Ok, this one is not black or white. The answer is probably not, but it’s also not necessarily so. Check out our previous blog post about why insurance should cover couple therapy by my colleague to learn more about this very subject.
misconception: i just want a therapist to take my side and tell my partner to change
Wouldn’t that feel good? Unfortunately, your therapist is not your lawyer and is here to represent the relationship, not one individual. Therapy for your relationship will focus on raising each partner’s awareness of their participation in patterns that are both problematic and helpful. Where one partner goes, there goes the other. It takes two to tango, and PACT (the style of relationship therapy you’re most likely to find here at Kindman & Co.) can help you and your partner see more clearly how you participate in troubling patterns so that you can try something different.
misconception: “we just need tools to communicate better.”
Spoiler alert, you already have the tools, but something has made it feel like you needed to ignore or disregard them. Your body and your emotions are guiding you through every experience of your life, alerting you to pain, pleasure, comfort, and desire. Tuning into these communications from your own nervous system can help you learn to regulate your response to stressful situations. Relationship therapy will help you learn to read your partner(s) more attentively, approach them with curiosity, and learn when and how to validate (read more on this one here) and soothe your partner in order for each of you to stay connected, rather than seek protection. Are you using the tools you already have?
myth: relationship therapy is only for romantic couples/straight couples/married couples/monogamous couples
This is why I prefer “relationship therapy” to “couple therapy” because human beings are complex, and we form all sorts of relationships in many different ways. While we may have different expectations of romantic relationships, platonic relationships, business relationships, family relationships, and on and on, the way we handle relationship issues is the current that will carry us to successful resolutions.
Each will be different. Gay male couples, queer femme relationships, trans relationships, and heterosexual relationships each have their own specific challenges to face. Couples with cultural and racial differences have their own unique challenges. Polyamorous partners must negotiate different challenges than folks who chose to partner monogamously. Business partners have different considerations and responsibilities than romantic partners. The intersectional identities and relationship possibilities are kaleidoscopic, but the common factor to every relationship is our shared humanity. If you feel like your relationships could use some additional help, please reach out.
Steve Wilson is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, a queer man, and a feminist. He loves working with young adults navigating adulthood, folks healing from racial trauma and minority stress, and couples/partners. He is especially drawn to working with adolescents and young adults embracing queerness. He deeply and personally understand the complexities of queer experience and want to help other queer individuals and partners, parents of queer and trans youth, and those practicing consensual non-monogamy (CNM) to build thriving, connected, & healing relationships.
Fun facts are that Steve has been a teacher, tutor, publicist, recruiter, bookseller, cabinetmaker, and a zip-line tour guide!
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