On Navigating Difference in Intercultural & Interracial Partnerships (Part One)
As a Black woman married to a white man, I have first-hand experience navigating common challenges unique to those in interracial relationships. These challenges primarily involve cultural differences, power imbalances, and recognizing these as a potential source of tension or conflict in the relationship. In this blog post, we’ll explore how a variety of cultural differences and power imbalances show up in interracial relationships and how couples can increase their awareness of these challenges and address them together to create more empathetic, authentic connection.
Common Cultural Differences in Interracial Relationships
When I say culture, I mean the patterns of beliefs, values, customs, behaviors, and traditions that are shared by a community of people—sometimes without much awareness. Culture influences the way we think, interact with others, and express ourselves, and it can be a major part of our identities and how we perceive the world around us. As a result, it can be quite difficult to spot the difference between cultural characteristics and personality traits.
Different Communication Styles in Partnership
Our cultural background often influences how we communicate with our partner in a range of situations, which can lead to miscommunication, misunderstanding, and resentment if we are unaware of the differences in how we communicate and where those differences come from. For example, one of you might have a more direct style of communication that may be perceived as confrontational or disrespectful by the other. On the contrary, the other partner might have a more passive communication style that can come off as passive aggressive or displaying a lack of interest. In both of these cases, the individual partner may view their communication style as the proper or kind way to communicate—that’s the influence of culture.
If you and your partner find yourselves in a similar situation, it can be helpful to attend couple’s therapy as a way of learning new communication tools and developing a sense of empathy for how your partner communicates. Some communication tools a couple’s therapist might offer you include the following, which can help you and your partner resolve conflict constructively and increase understanding of each other:
Tapping into curiosity: slow down, ask questions, and avoid making judgments
Active listening: pay full attention without distractions, listen with the goal of understanding, and reflect back what you heard
Use of empathy: try to understand your partner’s feelings and point of view, and express care for their experience
Different Languages Spoken in Partnership
There are at least two ways that linguistic differences between you and your partner can impact communication and understanding: language barriers and unconscious biases about you and your partner’s languages.
Language barriers may be at play when you and your partner do not share a native language (the language you grew up speaking), when you and your partner do not have the same fluency in your common language (the language you speak together), or when you and your partner speak different varieties of your language, such as different dialects (a variant spoken in a particular geographic area, such as California English) or sociolects (a variant spoken by a particular social group, such as African American Vernacular English or AAVE).
If you and your partner don’t share a native language, communication in your common language may sometimes be less effective, resulting in less information or the wrong information being communicated. In a similar way, if you speak a different variety of your language than your partner, you may notice that your partner doesn’t always understand certain expressions that are unique to your variety. If you are not intentional about understanding each other, this can present more opportunities for miscommunication.
On top of language barriers, unconscious biases about the language variety your partner speaks can cause strife if you harbor or express judgmental opinions about their language variety. This is especially common when one of you speaks a more dominant variety that society views as more “correct”, and the other speaks a more stigmatized variety.
To improve communication and understanding, you and your partner can:
Make an effort to learn about each other’s language and language varieties
Practice other forms of nonverbal communication (written, digital, and body language)
Practice active listening and asking for clarification
Be patient and express interest in wanting to understand each other
Question the source of any negative feelings or hurtful opinions about the way your partner speaks
Different Relationships to Food & Meal Sharing
Food can be an essential part of our cultural identity, shaping our food preferences, dietary habits, and eating practices. Differences in these areas can be a source of significant stress in interracial relationships. You and your partner may have disagreements over meal choices and cooking styles. You may also find yourselves having difficulty understanding each other’s cultural norms around sharing meals and eating habits.
However, there are plenty of ways that you and your partner can reduce your disagreements and increase understanding of each other’s cultural differences. For example, consider:
Being open and curious about the cultural significance behind your partner’s food practices
Experiment with cooking and trying dishes from each other’s cultures or families
Fostering an appreciation for diverse cuisines
Planning meals together to create a sense of unity and shared agency
Different Traditions & Celebrations
Since couples in interracial relationships can come from distinct cultural backgrounds, there may be differences in traditions and celebrations as well. These differences can become sources of tension if not effectively addressed. Tension can arise when deciding which cultural events to prioritize during special occasions, like holidays or festivals. Another source of tension can be a lack of understanding around different cultural customs and rituals.
Sometimes we reject things that are unfamiliar to us, and in interracial relationships, this rejection can be hurtful to your partner. Therefore, it is important to be mindful of the cultural significance behind each other’s traditions and celebrations. Here are some ways you might practice mindfulness of traditions and celebrations with your partner:
Lean into curiosity about the significance of your partner’s traditions and celebrations, and refrain from judgment
Practice exploring each other’s traditions and celebrations with openness
Make an effort to participate in each other’s traditions and celebrations together
With your partner, consider creating new traditions that incorporate elements from both of your cultures, which can help foster a sense of shared identity and celebration
Different Family Values & Expectations
Family values and expectations can vary significantly across cultures. For example, partnerships might involve one partner who comes from a cultural background with collectivist values, while the other has a more individualistic background, which can lead to potential clashes relating to family involvement in decision making, time committed to shared activities, and more. Other potential conflicts and tensions can arise from different views on gender roles and family responsibilities, involvement of family in the relationship, and decision-making processes.
Both Individual and Couple Therapy can be useful resources for partners looking to navigate differing family values. Therapy can provide a safe space for partners to engage in open conversations about family values and expectations, while being mindful of cultural influences. You can also use therapy to help set boundaries with extended family members to prioritize your relationship and reduce unwanted pressure.
Check out Part Two of this blog on how to navigate difference in intercultural and interracial partnerships when Alex dives deeper into exploring areas of power and privilege imbalance in these partnerships and offers tips for how to better manage different social locations between partners.
Alex Thompson is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist who is passionate about providing care to marginalized folx who have been historically denied access to therapy. She is a liberation-oriented therapist with special interest in supporting folx wanting to navigate the emotional, social, and behavioral experiences of living with chronic illness and chronic pain, grief and loss, and generational and racial trauma. She helps individuals, couples, and folx in non-traditional partnerships reimagine pathways to healing and wellness, as well as ways to exist more authentically in their environment and relationships.
Fun facts: Alex is an avid tea drinker and reality tv watcher; enjoys cooking with loved one’s; and gets excited about camping.
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