On A Beginner’s Guide to Adding Sex Toys to Partnered Sex
Content originally written by Caitlin Harrison; updated and maintained by Kindman & Company in 2026.
Welcome beginners to sex toys!!
This blog is meant to be a non-judgmental and cozy invitation for you to begin to explore sex toys with a partner. I’ll go over ways to introduce toys, some things that are not specifically toys that can be helpful, and then a few recommendations at the end to get started!
Let me first note that there is no shame in using toys.
There are no dumb questions because curiosity is smart! Because good sex is meant to be play, and what’s play without some toys?
Research actually shows that approximately 53% of women and 45% of men in the U.S. have used a sex toy at some point.
Among different demographics, studies indicate that toy use is often linked to higher sexual function and more frequent health screenings, particularly among women across all racial groups, with usage rates remaining consistently high (around 50%) for Black, White, and Hispanic women alike.
If you’re new to sex toys in partnered sex and are looking for a great beginning place, read on for tips for where and how to start and some therapist-recommended favorite toys.
how to introduce sex toys with your partner
To introduce something to sex, I typically encourage the partners that I work with to go through a “Yes, No, Maybe” list.
This is a list of sexual additions and possible kinky exercises, in which each partner can go through the list and circle “Y, N, M” on how interested they are. Then, compare with your partner, and see where those yes’s overlap! Sex with Emily has a downloadable guide to help support you to have this conversation.
Once you’ve decided which direction you’d want to go in, begin with a toy that will allow you to explore and be playful. Playing together is when you go into a sexual experience with the understanding that pleasure is the focus, not orgasms. Some things to keep in mind:
The Vibe Check: Is your partner smiling?
The Breath: Are they relaxed or holding their breath?
The Laugh: If you drop a toy or something feels clunky, laugh! It signals to your nervous system that you are safe.
Side note: couples therapy can be a great place to learn, or relearn, the physical tells that your partner is interested or finding pleasure in something.
playful sex: stay curious and check in with yourself & your partner
I always like to remind folks that sex is a marathon, not a race! It would be weird if you were born knowing how to have amazing sex, and that’s why it’s cool to be an adult, capable of consensual choices, and the ability to stay curious!
Be mindful to take breaks and check in with how the activity is going. Feel free to change positions, light a candle, adjust your clothes, or wiggle around outside of the bed. And of course, allow for laughter throughout! Playing is not serious! When we are able to laugh, it’s a sign that we are not in danger or threat. This is good, we want those nervous systems as regulated as possible when trying new things.
enjoy massage for connection & building awareness
A massage is a great way to get closer and more connected, as well as increasing awareness of what areas of your partner’s body are more sensitive than others. I love the Maude Soy Massage Oil Candle. Sexy and functional!
Maude also has a wonderful lube that looks like an Aesop bottle on your nightstand. Always use lube with toys for easier play, and make sure that your toys are able to be used with silicone based lubricants!
Note: Silicone lube can degrade silicone toys, water-based lube is a "safe for everything" alternative.
therapist approved sex toy recommendations
And lastly, here are a few sex toy recommendations:
An external vibrator can be utilized during foreplay as well as during penetrative intercourse. It can be used for additional shaft and tip stimulation to assist with blood flow. For that, I recommend the LELO SONA™ 2 Cruise, or for those on a budget, The Satisfyer Pro 2 Generation 3. Both models are waterproof, so try in the tub or shower for extra fun!
And, I would be remiss not to include the standby, the Classic Rabbit Vibrator, for its multi use and one touch handle. It can be used solo, or with a partner.
For internal stimulation, you could look to a vibrating dildo, or G-Spot stimulator, like the Arc from Dame. Or a prostate massager, such as the LELO’s Hugo Remote Controlled Prostate Massager is fun and could lend itself to assist with conversations around submissive/dominant roles. Handing over the controls to your partner requires consent, trust, and understanding when there needs to be a time out.
You could also start smaller, with something like Maude’s Small Cone Plug
Let’s also remember that toys can include props and furniture. For increased support and ability to receive deeper penetration, I recommend a wedge pillow, such as the Dame Pillo.
The Blossom, or the rose as some refer to it, is helpful for clitoral or nipple stimulation. And cute to boot!
Girls Get Off is another great place to start the hunt for accessories! Their stance on pleasure empowerment is designed to have you feeling confident and supported through it all.
Lastly, it’s great to note that there are products available to help with possible pain with sex. I highly recommend the OhNut if you are a vulva user who is experiencing pain with penetration.
Note: Always use water-based lube with silicone toys to keep them in tip-top shape and ensure easier play!
I hope this was helpful for you, because sex is supposed to be fun, playful, and full of possibilities for you to explore desire and pleasure.
It’s okay to go slowly! You’ve got this!
Ready to bring more play into your partnership?
Introducing new elements to the bedroom can feel vulnerable, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. If you’re looking for personalized tools to improve communication and intimacy in your partnership, book a free info session today.
Caitlin’s insights and tips for starting to connect with your emotions are transformative. While she has moved on to new adventures, all of our highly-skilled team members work from the same pleasure-forward approach and are here to help.
Let’s make pleasure a priority together.
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