On Building Focus & How It’s Really About Self-Acceptance
I sit down to write this entry from a place of deep discomfort. I feel agitated and restless, my surroundings have suddenly become infinitely more interesting than they were moments ago. Nothing has changed about them. Although, I guess something has changed about them. My setting now seems to exist for the sole purpose of saving me from writing this blog. This blog that I have to write, or at least feel like I have to write.
I’ve always had a hard time with my attention span. I don’t think there is anything majorly wrong with me (mostly) anymore. But there were times in my life when I acutely felt the disconnect between how my brain worked compared to the way others expected it to work. School was a pain in the ass. Early part-time summer jobs were a pain in the ass. Boy Scouts was a pain in the ass. Contemplating the idea that I was doing right by myself, my family, and world always left me feeling ashamed and dejected.
The Shame Spiral of Struggling to Focus
I imagine these are feelings not unfamiliar to those who have been diagnosed with any mental ‘disorder’ that wreaks havoc on one’s capacity to sustain intentioned focus for long periods of time, particularly when they have things they would rather be doing. I faced this problem time and time again in my school years.
Internalizing the “Lazy” Label
My fourth grade teacher once remarked that I had ‘the attention span of a gnat’. Other adults in my life labeled me as ‘very smart when I try but, more often than not, too lazy to get anything done’. Without anyone in my life telling me otherwise, I just believed what I was told.
I felt angry at myself for being unable to sit down and do homework for more than 10 minutes at a time. Reading books made me tired within minutes and sitting through lengthy exams only led to ruinous report cards. It frustrated me and I took the discomfort that came from my brain’s desperate desire for something new as the feeling a ‘lazy person’ must contend with in order to become productive. It aligned closely with another lesson I’d learned early on: anything worth doing, anything right or correct, could not be accomplished without a great deal of effort and pushing through discomfort. That rule is a blog post in itself, but for our purposes now it quite succinctly explains why I spent so many hours doing things that made me feel inadequate, stupid, lazy, and generally unhappy.
When Attention Feels Like a Fight
It started as my attention drifting around a room or being unable to focus on one thing in a crowded space. But as I was chastised for my inability to sit still or pay attention, I quickly began policing myself when I felt the urge to change things up. This made me incredibly sleepy and conjured all sorts of self-doubts about my intelligence. It’s much harder to do math homework when you’re constantly fighting the powerful urge to see what this or that sound was.
Living Without the Language to Understand Myself
Growing up, I did not see myself as dealing with a certain set of differences that was shared by others. I didn’t have the terminology to describe the particular disquiet I could not escape. I remember asking friends how they did their homework every night, what were their routines? How long did they spend on assignments?
The Productivity Gap No One Talks About
I had no issues focusing on videogames or bugs or playing the drums, but these were things I enjoyed and were therefore unproductive and pointless. I felt the gap between what seemingly everyone found useful and what I found useful.
In that gap spawned an aspect of my personality that I have mixed feelings about. My strong sense of willpower has helped me achieve things I’m genuinely proud of. It has also left me feeling like my best is never enough and cratered my self-esteem. I think this is where I most acutely feel the sense that whatever shaped peg I am had been forced into a radically different shaped hole. I made it in, definitely, but it was so uncomfortable and cramped that I knew it wasn’t sustainable. It wasn’t until I acknowledged my own needs that I was able to work out ways to move in the directions I wanted to move in.
Learning to Work With (Not Against) My Brain
For example, this blog! I have not sat down and typed this whole thing out in one go. I have worked in 15 minute intervals for the past two hours. The pomodoro method is a powerful tool for many, but for me, it is essential. I was resistant to it for so long because of that old mentality of: if it feels comfortable, it’s probably no good.
How I Modified the Pomodoro Method
I don’t even do the pomodoro method the way it's commonly taught: 25-minute work intervals and 5-minute breaks, with a longer break every four intervals. I found the work intervals too long and the rest intervals too short, which of course triggered that shame of laziness in me. When I embraced my natural tendency to work in short bursts broken up by other activities I saw a major shift in not only how much I was getting done, but also how I felt about myself.
Embracing Neurodivergence, Not Exploiting It
I don’t believe in optimizing human productivity, I think it’s a very inhumane way to conceptualize human beings. So I’m not sharing this as a way to ‘get more done, while working half as hard’; this isn’t some trick to spread a new form of the sort of toxic productivity that breeds procrastination and self-loathing.
Trusting the Wisdom of Your Body
When you respect the limits of your body, you chart a path of congruence between who you are and how you would like to be.
I suppose my purpose in writing all of this has been to share my ongoing journey with moving at my own pace and making efforts to dismantle those residual Christian, capitalist, and patriarchal frameworks that molded me.
I would encourage you, dear reader, to take a look at the things that make you feel good, the things that come naturally or that you feel compelled to repress or resist and make space for the possibility that there may be ways outside of classic narratives of going about living your life.
Let Go of the ‘Right Way’ to Be Human
This isn’t about ‘unlocking your full potential’. It’s about embracing the complexity that comes from alternative modes of doing things. It’s about listening to your body and trusting what it tells you.
Featured therapist author:
Liam DeGeorgio, AMFT, is a neurodivergent associate marriage & family therapist who strives to challenge society’s expectations and perceptions of ‘normal’. He lives with ADHD, OCD, and PTSD and enjoys working with clients wanting to challenge toxic masculinity, embrace feminism & anti-racism, and adults with childhood trauma. He loves playing the drums, reading books, his partner, and their four cats.
GET HELP NOW
If you are interested in therapy with Kindman & Co. and would like to learn more about the services we have to help you, follow these quick & easy steps:
Schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation with our Care Coordinator.
Get matched with the therapist who’s right for you.
Start feeling more supported and fulfilled in your life and relationships!
THERAPY AT KINDMAN & CO.
We are here for your diverse L.A. counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and support for creatives. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.