On The Myth of "Too Much"
I have two pet peeves: 1) People who eat their string cheese by chomping down on it and not stringing it first, and 2) People who describe women as “too much.”
I hear it all the time. I work primarily with folx who are socialized as female and present as female, and I can bank on the fact that at some point in our work together, they will tell me that they have a fear of being “too much.” There’s so many reasons why they bring up this fear.
It’s potentially based in their childhood: fear around having too many emotions, too many opinions, too many wants or needs. These fears may be based in painful romantic relationships: when they heard that they were “too much” in regards to how they asked for attention, or how they dressed, or how they celebrated life. These fears may be based on friendships that told them that they required “too much” time or consideration.
I hate all of this. Because all I hear when people say they’re “too much” is that their circumstances, contexts, and people are not enough.
This is what I hear: I hear that their parents did not have enough tools to care for them in the specific ways that they needed. Or maybe their parents did not have the emotional capacity for themselves and therefore could not offer it to their children.
I hear that their romantic partners feel uncomfortable with feeling less than and lead their relationship with insecurity instead of curiosity. I hear that friends have time and time again settled for less because society’s focus on capitalism and the individual pursuits of success are more important than community care.
This is what I hear when people tell me that they feel like they’re too much.
I am writing this because I keep hearing this line and seeing the sadness of being perceived as too much. The more I hear, the angrier and angrier I feel. Anger towards the systems that prevail to ensure that (primarily) women are kept inside boxes to ensure that we do not take charge, take power, or have autonomy.
I write this because I look towards the incredible bravery of the women in Iran who are fighting and dying for basic human rights because they have been told that the choice to cover their hair is “too much.”
I am writing this because of the consistent narratives related to victim blaming that are told because there are still not enough laws and/or consequences for men who take advantage and dehumanize women. Tell me why we’re still accepting the narratives that women were “showing too much skin,”they were “drinking too much,” they’ve “already slept around too much…” the list goes on and on.
And if you’re reading this, and having the thought that I have too much anger or too much hatred towards patriarchal systems, I ask you this: Am I wrong? Which system or state should I go to find enough safety, enough security, enough freedom, enough love?
Let my anger and my sadness be the fuel for you to reach out to a friend of yours, to a partner of yours, to a daughter of yours and tell them this is all valid. Here are some lines to start off with:
You are so much fun. Your emotions give me so much information about the world. Your beauty is for you and yours only. Your outfits are so creative. Your ability to have fun and laugh is inspiring. Your capacity to love in a way that topples over the brim of your heart makes me feel lucky to be alive in this world with you.
You could never be too much for me because I am striving to be a container big enough to allow for all of you to fit.
I would love to leave you with this beautiful poem by Lyndsay Rush (found via Instagram):
Caitlin Harrison is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist. She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, women’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward.
Utilizing the relationship between client and therapist, Caitlin embodies hospitality and humor in her work which allows an inclusive and collaborative space to share all of life’s ups, downs, and in betweens. Overall, her work is focused on ensuring that you feel safe coming home to yourself. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.
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