On Why Starting Sex Therapy with Your Partner Can Be Life-Changing
Sex is a big part of life! Whether it’s good, bad, or in between, sex is something that occupies a lot of brain space and can be a huge factor of connection between partners. So, when partners are having difficulties around sex, it takes up a lot of space in the relationship. This blog is a continuation of my previous post and is here to answer questions around what sex therapy looks like for couples and partnerships. Here, we’ll tackle who comes to sex therapy as a couple, why coming to therapy focused on sex would be useful for you and your partner(s), and what sex therapy with a partner can look like. Keep reading to learn about what sex therapy with your partner may accomplish and start to get more intimately connected!
why consider starting sex therapy with your partner?
All kinds of people and partnerships make the move towards sex therapy. A very common reason I have heard is that partners start sex therapy when they feel as though they have plateaued or are experiencing disconnect in their sex life. Or maybe, they’re not even sure if they currently have a sex life. Some folx feel as though there are discrepancies in their sex—one partner is wanting it more than the other—and are unsure of how to get needs met equally. Some are unsure of what to expect for sex in their relationship, due to old narratives of what their ex-partner had expected, or what the messages they heard from caregivers.
Life transitions are another cause for difficulties around connection and sex—unemployment, financial stressors, grief, having children, trying to have children, moving, living through a global pandemic. These are all understandable reasons for interruption of pleasure and connection. A very helpful time to reach for therapeutic support is if one or more partners have experienced trauma, which can make it very difficult to connect with your body or a partner. Betrayal and infidelity are additional factors that break trust in the relationship which requires rebuilding of trust and security so that sex can be a safe space.
Here are some questions to ask yourself, and have your partner(s) ask as well, to assist in reflecting if sex therapy can benefit your partnership:
What are my goals regarding sex (i.e. intimacy, connection, emotional regulation, stress relief, etc.)? Is my partner aware of those goals and work to help me achieve them?
Do I feel comfortable having a conversation with my partner regarding my likes and dislikes about sex?
How often do I feel present during sex?
What does it look like when my partner enjoys sex?
Is intimacy with my partner something that excites me or makes me feel nervous?
Does my partner assist me in feeling comfortable in my body in our relationship?
How do I achieve pleasure in this partnership?
reasons why coming to sex therapy can be useful for your partnership
Often, there can be misunderstandings around sex that cause resentment, guilt, and shame in a partnership when they go unattended. Sex therapy can help a partnership to explore together and deepen the relationship. It’s exciting when all partners are showing up to therapy, wanting to put in the effort of understanding why what they’re doing isn’t currently working.
Having a consistent space like sex therapy allows for you and your partner to come together to redefine what sex and intimacy looks like for this specific relationship. Sex therapy is useful to debunk societal beliefs around gender roles, expectations around sex, and what we define as sex. If your partnership is looking to expand your understanding of the partner and the role that sex plays in your relationship, then sex therapy sounds beneficial for you.
what sex therapy with your partner might look like
I’m just going to shut this one down—no, sex therapy doesn’t look like a therapist watching you have sex. It does look like having another person talk with you about your most intimate moments, which is vulnerable! This relationship involves a lot of trust, which is why I rely on building rapport and having clear goals around our work together. If you’re coming to me for issues around sex, I do have an expectation that we will be able to use this space to explore the nitty gritty, together.
Using some of the principles of PACT, I as your therapist am committed to assisting and teaching you how to become an expert on your partner. Taking this process through the lens of sex therapy, I am going to encourage you to become an expert on your partner’s pleasure. You’ll hear me say things like: “How do you know that they enjoyed that?” “What does your partner look like when they are experiencing pleasure?” “What changed in their body when you did that?” And we will spend time on practicing eye contact, taking on postures that invite safety, as well as trusting our bodies to tell us how we’re feeling.
Additionally, we’ll use attachment theory-based interventions to assist you and your partner in understanding how the other feels safe and secure in the relationship. For folx looking to find healing in their sex lives, this is especially helpful. Insight into why your partner is attempting to protect themselves in the relationship can help you to know how to better create protection for your partner. This work allows all partners to know that they’re not alone; that all feelings and needs are valid.
Conclusion
So many people feel as though bringing a therapist into their sex lives means that they are admitting failure. This couldn’t be farther from the truth! Asking for help with your sex life means that connection and attunement with your partner is a priority. I honor this work and those that trust others to be part of their most intimate stories.
Hopefully, by reading this, you feel confident in understanding why you and your partner(s) might want to come to sex therapy, why this work might be beneficial for your relationship, and what sex therapy could look like. The goal of this work is to accomplish renewed security in the relationship, assurance in yourself as a sexual being, and achieve the pleasure that all partnerships have access to.
Caitlin Harrison is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist. She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, womxn’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward.
Utilizing the relationship between client and therapist, Caitlin embodies hospitality and humor in her work which allows an inclusive and collaborative space to share all of life’s ups, downs, and in betweens. Overall, her work is focused on ensuring that you feel safe coming home to yourself. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.
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