On The Bachelorette and Sex Positivity: What Could Go Wrong?
Okay, here’s my one of many #BadFeminist confessions—I dutifully watch The Bachelor franchises. I know! It’s horrible and I don’t actually believe a competition/reality show would be the way to build a secure attachment with anyone, and yet… it’s the thing I watch to let my mind go blank and connect with my friends. This season, the titular cast member (AKA *THE* Bachelorette), Katie Thurston, was deemed the “Sex Positive Bachelorette”. Color me intrigued! For those that do not watch (honestly, I’m proud of you), Katie won this moniker by bringing a dildo as her entry prop when meeting last season’s Bachelor. It was memorable and meme-able, to say the least.
Now that she has more power as the lead of the show, that sex toy has become the gateway for her to be the Sex Positive Bachelorette. In turn, Bachelorette took sex positive as a theme and used it to shape many of the group dates, one-on-one dates, and leading questions for the contestants so that they would talk ad nauseam about sex positivity. This post will highlight where I think the Bachelor went wrong, what sex positivity actually is, support for this attempt at a sex positive approach, and provide you resources for true sex positivity.
bummers with bachelorette and how it gets sex positivity wrong
All of Bachelorette’s sex positive washing would be fine and grand, except for this one, big issue: apparently no one knows what “sex positivity” actually means! The first clue-in was all of the promos for the show. All of the promotions, commercials, and advertisements included as many sexual innuendos as possible. Off the bat, Katie was sexualized, and not in a consensual manner.
Now come the contestants. It is clear that “sex positive” was a term that became fetishized and misconstrued to mean that Katie just LOVES sex. For example, early on several of the male contestants were making comments such as, “Wow, I’ve never dated anyone who was sex positive before. This is really exciting for me.” Or, a suitor that stated that Katie is, “the perfect girl: beautiful, funny, and sex positive.” (This last quote being a big clue that the only reason Katie is allowed to hold this position on this show is due to her being White, cisgender, and conventionally attractive.)
What was the most infuriating part for me is hearing all these cis-gender, straight men talk about sex positivity as if it was the most groundbreaking thing and that Katie was the first ever person to embrace those values. This told me that these men have never had conversations with their potential partners about sex and what sex means to them. Trust me, men of Bachelorette, Katie is not the first woman to want to have enthusiastic and pleasurable sex. Your lack of understanding of this concept shows the patriarchal, purity culture-soaked, white supremacist brainwashing you’ve endured. I can have sympathy for the systems that be AND I can want more from you. Please read a book (resources below) before asking a woman what *allowed* her to be so sex positive.
so, what actually is sex positivity?
For me, sex positivity is allowing folx to explore their sexuality, sexual orientation, and gender orientation free of guilt and shame.
Sex positivity prioritizes enthusiastic consent, agency, and pleasure. It allows for people of all genders to wear the clothes that they want, have sex with those that they want, and pursue sex outside of Puritanical culture’s dictation. It is also inclusive; sex positivity includes consensual kink and sex workers’ essential work. Social justice is at the root of sex positivity!
I appreciate this concise definition of the term from The Counseling Psychologist journal: “Sex positivity is a term used to describe individuals and communities who emphasize openness, nonjudgmental attitudes, freedom, and liberation about sexuality and sexual expression (Donaghue, 2015).” Liberation requires work and it requires a community that supports and prioritizes these values as well. That’s why I think sex positive therapy can be one of the most powerful investments you can make for yourself!
supporting sex positive katie thurston
Where Bachelor went right is allowing Katie to speak freely and openly about consent, her own story of sexual assault, and adding information for RAINN after segments in which discussed sexual assault, to encourage viewers to get the help that they need. By Katie embracing this sex positive image, there is strength and empowerment through her example of a woman getting to tell her own story and be vocal in prioritizing consent and pleasure.
For a show that has a long history of glamorizing the act of sexualization of folx and heteronormative relationships, this is a baby step towards improvement. Please know that I do not believe this show will ever be fully self-actualized (or not racist), I’m simply feeling a modicum of gratitude for any movement in the sex positive movement.
resources for sex positivity
For more information on sex positivity and how to begin (or continue) this journey towards inclusive celebration of sex, I recommend these resources. Please note: this is not at all a conclusive resource list, simply the works that I know most and have been helpful for my clients as well.
Literary Resources:
Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski
Nagoski’s book includes groundbreaking science and research to prove that the most important factor in creating and sustaining a sex life filled with confidence and joy is not what the parts are or how they're organized but how you feel about them. It’s empowering as hell for us female identifying folx.Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good edited by adrienne maree brown
Social justice approach to pleasure? Say no more. This book has essays that cover a wide array of subjects--from sex work to climate change, from race and gender to sex and drugs--building new narratives about how politics can feel good and how what feels good always has a complex politics of its own.
The Body is Not An Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor is the book that I’ve been recommending the most to my clients. Taylor’s radical take of self-love and liberation allows the reader to take stock of what messages we have received about ourselves and our bodies and to choose to love our bodies without shame. Very powerful.
Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe Sex positivity must include asexuality as well. Kobabe identifies as non-binary and asexual (using e/em/eir pronouns) and eir graphic novel/comic book approach allows the reader to join em on an autobiographical journey of self-identity. More than a memoir, it’s a useful guide for those wanting to know more about gender identity.
Online Resources:
Sex Positive Families: This site has a treasure trove of resources and blogs on topics ranging from pleasure to puberty to feelings to disability and sex to sex education and more!
Kimbritive: Real empowered conversations about sexual wellness and relationships, by Black women for Black women and girls. This resource also offers sexual wellness workshops!
Gay Men Fighting Aids: Their site takes on a pleasure approach and there are tons of blog posts focused on gay and queer folx prioritizing mental health, safer sex, and choice.
Brook: An online guide to sexual health and wellbeing targeted to youth and younger folx, complete with scientific information, advice, and real stories.
Planned Parenthood: Specifically, Planned Parenthood’s judgment-free blog posts about tips for safer sex and how anyone can access help.
Caitlin Harrison is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist. She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, womxn’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward.
Utilizing the relationship between client and therapist, Caitlin embodies hospitality and humor in her work which allows an inclusive and collaborative space to share all of life’s ups, downs, and in betweens. Overall, her work is focused on ensuring that you feel safe coming home to yourself. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.
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